The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
