You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Come share oat with me in your robe
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
