Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
