Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I need to align my fucking chakras
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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