The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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