I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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