the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
