Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
