I faked an abortion last night.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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