so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
