I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
