i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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