dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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