Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Randomize
