Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
