and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
