it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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