i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Randomize
