my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
