The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
