I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
