I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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