one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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