I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
