Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
