I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
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