woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
