can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
