no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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