Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
