I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
