We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You are the jesus of drinking
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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