Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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