He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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