It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
