so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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