dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
