Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
