I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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