I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
It was confusing and full of hummus
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
