There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
God, you're like boner-b-gone
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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