dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
