Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
