I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
