I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
