those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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