Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
