I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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