dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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