If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
my shit smells like andre
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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