I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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